Merry Christmas everyone. Last night, I celebrated Jesus’s birth in choir at a Catholic Church. It was Magical. Anyone who knows me really well is probably in shock. I grew up Catholic, born and raised. I was baptized, first communion, and confirmed. The Only sacrament that I did not complete in the Catholic Church was marriage.
I swore up and down in early adulthood that I would never be Catholic again. Things that I just didn’t understand, along with things that happened in the Catholic Church in the late 90’s, tainted me. However, over the last few years, several events have sent me on a path back home. My great grandmother died in February 2015 and it was at that Funeral that I told my father about discovering things about my ex and our impending divorce. That day, my dad committed to sending me an encouraging email everyday day moving forward. Without fail, every day forward, he has followed through on his promise and restored my faith in his love for me.
They say that grief is like waves crashing, sometimes it is like a tightrope that isn’t taught. At the beginning, the waves are all encompassing – they overcome you and knock you down. Then they subside, then they come back. If you have done your work and have allowed yourself to FEEL your grief, hopefully the next wave won’t be so intense. I think that you can say the same thing about anger. The hardest part about anger is that sometimes you find it hard to leave a situation that maybe you should. That maybe was a catalyst of the anger.
It has been very hard for me to realize that a large part of my anger comes from the fact that I have realized that I was putting my emotions and efforts into activities, people, and places that just didn’t think I was valuable enough for them. Or maybe, the issue I was going through wasn’t “socially acceptable” in those circles so I had to struggle through my issue on my own. Or, as I have been told, my emotions were “too much”.
To make matters worse, I felt judged. I felt judged about the loss of my marriage and then later on, when I was struggling with some insidious bullying, and I needed compassion, I didn’t have any clue who I could trust to reach out to. That is a bad feeling when you know you have been somewhere for over 10 years and you still don’t know if you can trust people with your soul. When I lost my children, for a period due to cracking from pressure, I felt an overwhelming sense of judgment.
I haven’t posted on here in a while. I think it is because I went though a necessary period of anger that just didn’t allow me to talk about forgiveness. I think I had to fully process the anger I felt toward my fellow members of a previous group for not being there for me when I needed them so much. I put my money, my heart, and my soul into them in the early days of my first marriage. I was so excited about the prospects of making new friends there.
However, over the years, I never really became a permanent member of any group there. I didn’t really make any significant friends. I would participate in really meaningful prayer groups, but once they were over, the social benefit was over too. I was a busy working mom – I didn’t have time to keep up with trying to figure out who was in charge of all the social activities. And those people certainly weren’t including me. After a while, I just gave up.
After I lost my children (I have them back) a couple of people were there to help me; however, I found myself wondering if I was supported when I was there.
The fact is that when you admit that you can’t blame anyone or anything else, you begin to blame yourself. The human mind gives up trying to find an executioner, but still must blame someone. Anger that is not expressed tends to turn inward and, instead, attacks the very one who feels it. You move from anger into guilt or depression. – Kate McGahan, Return from Rainbow Bridge
In his book, the Untethered Soul, Michael Singer says that we all create mental models in our mind to make sense of the world and others. Essentially, our internally dialogue decides how we think others should act in certain situations. When people don’t talk and act the way we would expect them to, in a certain situation, we struggle. We begin to experience grief. Because the outside world is not meeting our expectations. We become hurt.
Through prayer, I have slowly begun to heal. But it has been a VERY slow process. Writing this post is a necessary component of my journey, I feel.
I don’t feel that I can go back to where I was before. I certainly can’t move back to Michigan because my children are here.
Too much hurt has occurred and not enough “I’m sorry’s”. But God wants us to forgive despite the lack of I’m sorry’s. The forgiveness is here. In my heart the people in my past are forgiven even when I don’t enter the doors. But going through those doors is like pulling off a band-aid of pain. Of 100’s of unmet expectations of how the other humans should have treated me when I was going through the worst time in my life. I saw them treating others with that kindness, why not me?
So – I will say a Prayer that I forgot for 20 years but that has now given me immense peace over the last couple months:
Hail Mary, Full Of Grace, The Lord is with thee. Blessed Art Thou Among Women and Blessed is the Fruit of Thy Womb Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother Of God. Pray for us sinners. Now, and at the hour of our death, Amen.
A few weeks ago, I lost my coat. It ended up getting left at my child’s school during his book fair. So when I was searching for another coat to go out, I saw something sticking out of the pocket Of the coat I wore a lot in 2015. They were the prayer cards from my Great Grandmothers funeral. I had kept them all these years. I think that God intended for me to have the journey I did all along. I may not have been perfect or normal, but it was mine.
May the Joy and Peace that Jesus is with us follow you every day. And may you also remember that you can call on Mary, his mother, for comfort in your times of need.
Ladybug Kisses 